Buismm's Journals

Dear Gravity... #1

I sat at my window sill staring into the darkness at nothing in particular. My eyes followed one of the drops of water racing down the window pane, echoing the tears pouring down my cheeks. I sighed loudly but it sounded more like I was choking on air. I closed my eyes for a few minutes, trying to calm down and act normally. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting deep down inside, I didn't like the attention. I made my way through the mountains of clothes and shoes to my mirror where I wiped away the black eyeliner that was running down my face and applied blue instead. I looked critically at what I was wearing; a white tank top, black skinnies and bright purple Keds. I threw my long blue cardigan and black and white scarf on over my tank and grabbed my phone before leaving the house.

Just as I stepped out of my driveway I got a text message from Katy asking where I was. I texted back quickly as I walked, trying to keep my mind on other things, trying to hold myself together. Tyrning the corner onto Green Street I collided with a lone figure standing in the shadow. My phone fell from my hand onto the ground and I heard apologetic murmurs come from above me as I bent to pick it up. I stood up coming face to face with a boy I had never seen before.

"Are you ok?" He asked me in concern as I soaked up every detail of him. He had blue-green eyes and longish brown hair. I smiled shyly at him. "Yeah I'm fine thanks," I replied, blushing before I continued on my way. What was wrong with me? I'd never in my life acted like that in front of a boy and I'd never wanted to be one of those shy girls who can't speak around boys they don't like. I got to the park where Katy and Ryan were fighting over who should go on the swings next. I sat down and watched them for a while, helping myself to a can of beer and a joint from the plastic bag they had left sitting beside me. It was a while before they noticed that I was there, Katy saw me first.

"Dude! What's up?!" She asked before throwing her arms around me and giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Are you ok?" She whispered into my ear before pulling back to have a good look at me. "Of course!" I said looking her straight in her eyes. "Your eyes look like you've been crying," she began confusedly before her eyes rested on the spliff in my hand," but it must just be the drugs!" I laughed and slipped out of her grip before she could question me anymore. The problem with having a best friend is that they always know more about you than you want them than you want them to. Ryan gave me a hug and a kiss as well before stealing me can of beer and downing it in one. "How did you even do that!?" I exclaimed. "Man, that's gotta do some sort of damage to your insides!" He looked at me and did a massive burp in my face before turnign around and giving Katy a kiss.

A pair of strong arms wrapped around my stomach form behind and lifted me up in the air, twirling me a few times before resting me back down onto the ground. I turned to see Graham standing behind me. His black hair was barely visible in the dim night but I could see his bright grey eyes twinkling in his face. He wore a tight white t-shirt that showed off his toned body but I tried not to let him see I was looking. "Hey babe," I said coolly, before turning and running to the swings on the far side of the park which were unoccupied. He followed me, just as I knew he would and rested in the swing beside the one I sat on. "No kiss hello?" He asked with a hint of a smile on his face. "Why would I give you a kiss hello?" I asked. He pondered the question for a minute before saying with a smile, "because I'm a good kisser." I nodded thoughtfully. "Are you now? Well maybe I should give you a kiss hello, just to see what you're like."

I turned slightly in my swing so I was facing him and leaned forward slightly. He stayed perfectly still, not believing that this was actually happening. My lips pressed against his, innocently at first. I pulled away after a few seconds and looked at him. He smiled at me and this time it was him who leaned in, kissing me harder. Our mouths opened at the same time and his tongue slid into my mouth, massaging my own. After a few minutes he pulled me onto his lap and began to run his hands over my body as my left one tangled ion his hair and my right one slipped under his t-shirt and felt the hard body beneath it. I ran my fingertips over his pecs and abs, feeling the muscles lying beneath his skin contract as I touched them. He stood up, still carrying me and pulled his mouth from mine as I began to kiss, lick, suck and bite his neck. He moaned in pleasure and brought me into the trees, pressing me up against the wall. I pulled off his t-shirt, kissing his shoulders and his chest as he pulled off my scarf and cardigan and through them onto the floor. His hands ran delicately over my tank top from my shoulders to my hips, feeling my body. I groaned as he pulled my top off over my head. He immediately began to kiss me again with impatience and urgency. His hands fumbled with the fly of my jeans as I undid his belt. I felt the smile in his kiss as I ran my hands teasingly across his waistline. He slid his hand into my knickers and kissed even harder as he forced his fingers inside me. I groaned and began to pull down his jeans when the sound of a siren nearby brought us both crashing back down to earth.

Sorry I haven't been keeping up to date with all your stuff. I have 2 weeks off now so I'll try :)^^^This is new! What do you guys think? xoxox

Rememberance ONE SHOT

She lay on the dewy ground watching the moonlit clouds sail through the deep blue night sky. A soft breeze sends shivers through the grass surrounding her and tosses her hair delicately. She thought back to all the good times she had had right here, in this exact spot and sighed loudly at the days gone by, the days she would never see again. She began to hum to herself a tune that was more lovely to her than any other in the entire world because it made her think of me. She closed her eyes as the first of the tears began to run down her perfect face.
She opened them again, just as quickly. I know the image that flashed before her. I know what she sees every time she closes her eyes. Behind her lids a video plays, clear as crystal. She can almost hear the music that was pounding in my ears, so loud that she could make out every word from where she stood, fifty metres away. She can see me close my eyes, a second before the flash came round the bend. Too fast. Nobody could have reacted to that. And then it was over for me.
She hasn't slept since it happened. Two weeks and she hasn't slept. She feels me close by her. I can see it even now, the way she looks around nervously when I rustle the leaves or lean to close to her body, trying to remember the smell of home, of friendship.
If only she knew that she was looking straight at me, right into my eyes. If only she realised that my death is not something she should be afraid of, not something that she should be sad about. If she knew how happy I am now, how peaceful, she would not weep like she does. Her blue eyes would twinkle like the oceans and no drops would stain those cheeks. I place my hand on hers and I know she can feel it. She flinches at first but I hold on tight and then she smiles for the first time in two weeks.
"I knew it was you," she whispers.
I cannot reply. I have no voice. I just squeeze her hand a little tighter and we watch the clouds float by together.

I know I'm a bit rusty but what did you guys think?! Buzz/comment! Love xoxox

GUYS!!

Majorly sorry for not having been on for like a month but it wasn't my fault this time! Honestly! I'm having an extension built on my house which means no time to think and no internet, as well as ahving been in different parts of Ireland and France the last few weeks I haven't really had time to be doing anything!
I've decided to stop writing my story about Abi. I just don't love it anymore! Sorry for anyone who was enjoying it. I'll tell you what was going to happen.
Abi and Burton get together and they keep it a secret for months but then her brother Matt finds out and gets pissed off about it because Burton's meant to be there to help her through it not confuse it more for her. They get in a fight and the police come and take them both into custody and tak samples of DNA etc. IT then turns out that Burton's DNA is a perfect match to the semen sample they got from Abi the ngiht she was raped and therefore he is her rapist and father of her child. But Abi is convinced that she's in love with him so she keeps the baby which she had been planning to abort and the story was going to end with her looking into her new born baby's eyes.

In other news I have an idea for a new story and I have a one shot that I'm about to post up so yay!

Love you all!
xoxox

Dreamer

I sat on the balcony hugging my knees to my chest, taking in gulps of the gloriously cold fresh air. I shut my eyes and laid my head back against the wall. The sounds of the village drifted up to me, the sound of the traffic, the laughter of young couples enjoying their Valentine's night. A sudden burst of warm air hit my cheek, the sounds from inside hit me. I could hear all my friends laughing and joking and then it was muffled by the door being closed once more. A warm body sat beside me. I smiled and opened my eyes and turned to him.
"So you and Becca?" I asked.
"I don't think she's the right girl for me," he replied.
I closed my eyes again and leaned back against the wall once more. "What are you doing here then?" I asked. "She's the only reason you were invited, you don't now anyone else here but me."
"I know."
We sat quietly for a few minutes. I smiled, it was amazing how we weren't awkward around eachother after what happened last year. His hand brushed my cheek. I opened my eyes to see him too close to me. This was all wrong, I thought as we leaned into eachother. And that was it, the moment I had been dreaming of for over a year had come and now it was all wrong. I kissed him back, momentarily lost in the passion.
I felt the heat first, then the noise and then the small gasp. That gasp. I pulled away and looked into that beautifully sad face. Tears brimmed my best friends eyes and her small lips were pulled downward creating an angelic frown.

I know it's been ages. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with you guys. School's a bugger. This is the dream I had last night. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to set my best friend up with him. I thought I was over him. Maybe I'm not. :( xoxox

#8: I Could Use Somebody

I opened my eyes blearily. Dried tears and sleep stuck to my eyelashes as I looked up at Dr. Burton smiling down at me, his hand still resting on my cheek. I smiled weakly at him and scooted down on the couch so that he could sit next to me. He moved his hand from my face and gave my leg a little squeeze before asking me if I was ok.
"I'm... confused," I smiled slightly, blinking back tears.
"Ok. Well why don't you just talk me through how you figured it all out," he said kindly.
"How I figured what out?" I asked, feeling more than a little confused now.
"That you're pregnant."
I gasped. How could I have let that slip from my mind? I was pregnant. A whole new wave of despair hit me. I'd been so caught up in the arrival of my family... I suddenly felt devoid of energy.
"I'm pregnant," I said weakly. My head was everywhere, I collapsed back against the couch.
"Abi? Abi are you ok?" I could hear his voice fading away, like he was a million miles away instead of right beside me.

The wounds had only just begun to heal, Matty was covered in purple and yellow brusises and oozing scabs, when he had his next beating. Those boys had been scheduled to move to a different home after the attack but they wouldn't leave without one final act of revenge. In the middle of the night I was woken by the sounds of an ambulance and a commotion on the landing. I slipped out of bed and peaked around my bedroom door to see him being carried out on a stretcher. I vaguely remember the ride to the hospital, I spent the trip wondering what I would do if he died. The cold, sterile feel of the hospital heightened my anxiety as I sat in the waiting room with one of the workers at the home.
I sat on the couch staring out the window when a car pulled up. I stood up and went to the door, excitement flooding through my veins. There he was. He limped to the door flanked on either side by two of the workers. I ran down the front steps, taking them two at a time and slid to a halt in front of him. Wide smiles were plastered over both our faes and I enveloped him in the tightest, longest hug I've ever given in my life. I had never been happier to see him.
I sat in the corner chatting away to Matt. Some faint bruises were still visible but not many. We were meant to be in the living room talking to the men and women who had come but we didn't want to. One of the strange women walked out of the living room and spotted us talking beside the stairs. She asked where the toilets were. I told her but she didn't leave, her eyes lingering on Matt for several minutes. We tried our best to ignore the woman but she just stood there with a smile on her face. I knew this was trouble.
Then Matt was gone.

"Abi, honey. Tell me what's wrong with her!" Jill's worried voice sounded distant.
"I think she's just in shock, this is her bodies way of coping with everything," his voice sounded close by, it gave me the energy to open my eyes just as Jill began to ask what my body was coping with. This time I hadn't forgotten about what was growing inside me.
"Baby," my voice didn't sound like my own, it was hoarse and weak, like the voice of someone who was vey ill. I pointed my finger to my belly and repeated the word again.
Jill sat down beside me and began to cry. I looked around the room only to realise that everyone was here, staring at me with wide eyes. Dr Burton brought me a glass of water and I sipped at it, never taking my eyes off him. His big brown eyes looked down at me, full of concern. I met their gaze, never tearing my eyes away from his.
"I should go," he said eventually.

I didn't want him to go but I stood up and told him I'd walk him out to his car. Once we were out of the front door I stopped walking.
"Abi?"
I looked up at him.
"How's your sister?" I asked him quietly.
"What?" He asked, looking confused at the sudden question.
"I mean, where is she now? How did she get over this?" I asked.
"She didn't," he replied sadly. "She died. She overdosed on sleeping tablets."
I gasped.
"I don't want to end up like that. I want to get through this," I whispered.
"You will."
"How do you know? How do you always know?" I said more to myself than him.
"Because I just do."
"It's not just that. You always know what to say, how to act. How?"
"It's my job," he said.
"No, it's not. It's like you know me better than anyone. It can't be like this with all your patients."
A look I didn't recognise flitted across his face and then disappeared. He stayed quiet.
"You're not just a doctor to me," I said hesitantly.
He looked at me closely, unsure how to answer that.
"When I found out I was pregnant all I could think about was what you would think. You're not just a doctor to me," I repeated.
"What am I then?" He ased softly, moving close to me.
"You're.... You're the one I need to get through this. I need you now."
He looked at me silently for a second before answering: "Well I'm not going anywhere."

Hello friends! I'm sorry it's been literally months. I'm a lazy shit who didn't go on buzznet at all over Christmas or the weeks leading up. This post was way too late so you have my apologies. That last scene didn't go the way I wanted it to but whatever. Hope you liked it. Comment/ buzz. Love you all! xoxox

#7: A Stranger I Know Well

Every part of my body froze except for my eyes which flickered from the boy back to the young man. Was it really them? They had changed so much. When I looked closer though, I could see what eleven years of being seperated had made me forget. Matthew's bright blue eyes, the exact same shade as mine, the faint scar along his jaw, his crooked smile. I silently berated myself for not recognising him, my Matthew, my twin brother.I felt a connection with him as soon as I realised who he was. It was almost as if we were touching, but we were several feet from eachother. I smiled remembering our twin thing. I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around him. Tears sprang to my eyes at the reunion, I'd buried my memories of him deep down after we were seperated, not wanting to live with the constant pain, the loneliness. Only now that I saw him did I realise how much I had missed him. He could have helped me so much through the last few months.

"I can't believe you're hear Matty," I whispered, touching his face in awe. "Is it really you?"

He smiled and nodded with his head towards the man. He was standing awkwardly by the door. I knew who he was, I'd known as soon as I saw Matty. He looked ashamed, he wouldn't meet my gaze and I knew he was sorry. It didn't matter, I had forgiven him a long time ago.

"Hi dad," I choked out, running towards him and jumping in his arms, like I remember doing all those years ago.

"How's my Abi?" He asked me, relief clear in his voice.

And that one question brought me crashing from cloud nine back to earth. It all came back, the events of the day so far. I was silent and let go of him quickly, turning my back on them both and walking to the kitchen where I sat at the table and lay my head on my arms. I was weary from crying so much. I felt someone close to me and a hand on my shoulder. I flinched away from it, as I did with most human contact these days.

"Abi, what's going on?" Matthew asked me, offended that I didn't want to be touched by him.

"I'm just... going through a rough patch at the moment," I shrugged, not wanting to bring down the mood of the reunion but knowing I already had. I rested my head on my hand and closed my eyes, taking deep breaths and concentrating on trying not to fall asleep.

"Abi, honey? Do you want us to go while you get some rest? We'll come back later on," dad suggested lightly.

My eyes flew open. "But you'll be back right? You won't leave me here?" I asked, suddenly afraid of being abandoned again.

"We'll come back for tea," Matt promised me, replacing his hand on my shoulder and ignoring the flinch this time.

"Ok, then. I have an appointment anyway," I said through a yawn, as I looked blankly at the clock on the wall.

Dad nodded and turned to leave after uttering his goodbyes, Matt did the same. I stifled another yawn as I went to lie on the couch for a bit. I never intended on falling asleep, but I had underestimated just how weak and tired I had been feeling. My dreams weren't so much as dreams but memories-that I had buried so far away in my sub conscious that I had thought they had disappeared-brought back out to rmind me of my past woes.

Matt and I sat on the park bench on either side of a beautiful young woman. The three of us licked our ice creams while we pointed at ducks or animals or even passersby. To anyone else it would have looked like a big sister with her twin siblings out for a day in the park, but we knew better. Even at our young age, Matt and I knew that our family was not the same as the others. Our parents were too young, too attractive, too irresponsible to be compared to those of our friends. She took a water bottle out of her bag with shaking hands and took a swig before wincing as the cool clear liquid hit her throat. Matt asked for some water, he was thirsty too, but she kept it away from him. I wondered why that was. Fast forward to that evening. Matt and I held eachother close in our single bed as we heard the roaring from the next room. We didn't know what they were talking about, but we knew it was bad. The next morning she was gone.

The next few months were a chaotic daze in my mind. Shouting was a regular occurence, sometimes the lights would go off suddenly or the heating wouldn't work, only to switch on in a few weeks time. Matt and I spent most of our time at home together. Dad was working nights, we snuggled together in our single bed to keep warm on those winter nights without heating. Out of nowhere he told us to pack up our things, that we were leaving. I didn't understand, neither did Matt but we did what we were told to avoid the shouting.

There were only the two of us now. The two of us against everyone else. All those others who didn't talk to us or were mean to us. We shared a room in the house, we couldn't stand to be apart from eachother. We were always together in the corners, away from the other children who lived in the house. We wouldn't talk to them, we wanted our daddy, better still, our mummy. These arrangements worked out well until a boy left, and a new girl came. Matt moved out of our room to stay with two older boys while the new girl came in and slept with me. I always worried for Matty in there with two of those mean boys. They used to hit him, nobody knew but me and I swore I wouldn't tell. But one day, they went too far for it to be hidden.

Matt wasn't at breakfast, I was worried because I knew he would never leave me down there on my own with all of them. I ran upstairs to see if he was sick. He was much worse than sick. His face was covered in lumps of purple and tiny cuts, the bruising went down his throat and disappeared into the shirt of his pyjamas. His right hand was swollen and his fingers stuck out at strange angles and his head was half shaved. I lay with my brother, trying to comfort him with my salty tears dropping onto his injuries.

Soft fingers wiping my tears away woke me up.

God, this is terrible. I apologise. Comment/ buzz. xoxox

#6: The Kids Are All Fucked Up

I looked from the pregnancy test that told me I was pregnant to my bloated stomach and back again. I wasn't able to believe it, I was pregnant. I didn't know if I the tears in my eyes were tears of joy or tears of helplessness. One part of my mind was thinking that at least something good was coming out of that horrible night, the other part, however was wondering if I would ever be able to love something the making of which caused me so much pain, heartbreak and fear? Would I ever be able to look this child in the eye and truly believe that I loved it with every part of my being? Would I ever be able to forget about that night with it around? Another thought popped into my head. Doctor Burton. What would he say? Would he tell me what to do, would he help me through this like he was helping me through everything else? This pregnancy would ruin the structure we'd built in our sessions. This wasn't like the night of the rape, this needed to be addressed, and quickly. I wouldn't be able to talk this one away. No, this was physical, and as I pinched myself on the arm over and over again I realised that this was also very, very real.

I threw the test into the bin and retreated to my room, still being the only one at home. Where was everyone? I knew Shane was at a house party in town but I had expected everyone else to be back by now. How would I break the news to them? What would their reactions be? Worry? Anger? Sadness? Happiness? Before I had even decided that I was going to do it, I was out of my room and sitting in the kitchen with the phone in one hand and the personal phone book that Jill kept in the other. I flicked to the "B" section and there it was, the phone number that at the moment I felt would help me. I cleared my throat as I dialled the number and swallowed hard. The receptionist answered.

"Hi, can I please speak to Doctor Burton?" I asked.

"What is it concerning?" The receptionist answered with a question of her own.

"My name is Abigail Brown, I'm a patient of his. It's confidential."

"Of course, Ms. Brown. I'll put you through."

My thank you was cut off as the phone began to ring again. There was a clatter as it was picked up.

"Hello?" Came Dr. Burton's voice. I smiled to myswelf as I realised he was eating his lunch.

"Hi, this is Abi Brown?"

"Abi? Is everything ok?" He asked urgently after he swallowed the food in his mouth.

"No... Everything's terrible actually," I said quietly.

"What is it?" His voice was filled with worry, but that was just his job, right?

"I... well I wasn't well, and I had a bump and I missed my period.... I'm.. pregnant," saying it aloud made it seem so much more real and the realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks. Tears flooded from my eyes as I began to hyperventilate. There was silence at the other end of the phone. I immediately began to doubt my decision. Was I meant to call him about this kind fo stuff? Did he really care outside of the office? It certainly seemed like he did last night, but this wasn't what I was expecting, anything but this silence.

"Say something!" I choked out down the phone ,"please say something to me!"

I could hear him gulp down another bite of his sandwhich before he spoke again. "I have an appointment now but after that I'm free for the rest of the day. Is there someone at home who can drop you around here or do you want me to come over?"

"There's no one home," I wailed.

"Ok. I'll be there in two hours ok? Then we can talk about this," he said consolingly.

"Ok," I said before hanging up the phone.

Pregnant. How could this be? I'd always told myself that I wouldn't be one of those girls who got pregnant young and couldn't live their own lives because of it. Why was I so stupid? How could I have thought it a good idea to walk home alone int he middle of the night? How would this baby ever get the things it needed from a teenage mother? My whole body froze as I thought of something else. What would I tell it when it asked about it's father? The questions swirled through my brain, one after another. I sat there completely lost in my thoughts when the doorbell rang. I looked at my watch confused, surely I hadn't been sitting there for two hours? I hadn't been. I wandered over to the door and found a tall, young man, around thirty and a familiar looking boy around my age standing there. I shrank backwards into the house, moving away from the looming figures.

"What do you want?" I asked them, my voice was strangely high pitched. Fear welled up in my stomach as I heard the answer.

"Are you Abigail Brown?" The older man asked me.

I wasn't fooled by his gentle tone. I looked around myself, trying to find a weapon to protect myself if he came near me. I inched towards a glass vase standing on the hall table.

"Yes," I whispered in answer.

I was confused then, wide smiles spread across their faces and they looked as if they would rush towards me at any second.

"Who are you?" I asked them warily, my hand now right beside the vase and ready to grab it if I needed to.

"Abi..." It was the boy who spoke. He walked towards me slowly, his right hand outstretched as if he was trying to touch me, to see if I was real. I looked into his eyes, begging him silently not to hurt me. He met my gaze and stopped. We stared at eachother for what felt like an eternity but for what was really only two or three minutes. A memory came forward from the back of my mind as I looked into those eyes. And that was when I realised why they were so familiar.

They were mine.

Dia dhiabh! Conas atÃ¡ sibh?! Lord I'm in such an Irish mood these days! I've literally been speaking it non stop. My mother's getting pissed cos she can't understand me :D I really like the end bit of this chapter. Has anyone figured this out? I think it's quite easy myself but I came up with it so of course I do! I hope you guys liked it. Buzz/ comment, I love to know what you think! xoxoxox

#5: Is This Coincidence Or A Sign?

"What are you doing here?" I asked my psychologist suspiciously. At the sight of his face paranoia had set in. "Are you following me?"

He stood looking at me for a minute, registering what I had said. He opened his mouth several times to speak but couldn't get anything out. Eventually he answered me," of course not! I'm here with a friend of mine." He gestured to a man sitting down at a table watching us. He smiled and waved when he saw that we were talking about him.

"I thought you lived by the clinic. Why would you travel for an hour to have a drink here?" I asked him, still suspicious.

"Kevin lives close by," he said agitatedly before he got back to the point. "Please tell me you aren't planning on leaving alone?"

I raised my eyes to heaven but I was secretly kind of glad he was there. I was truly terrified at the thought of walking home by myself.

"Actually I am," I answered.

"Abi, you aren't ready for that." He said quietly.

"How do you know what I'm ready for? I know myself better than you do!" I said, beginning to become angry at him.

" You're wrong Abi. At the moment I know your mental state better than anyone, even you. You're confused at the moment and you're judgement isn't the same as it usually would be. I thought you were smarter than this though. I wouldn't have expected to see you out of the house at all let alone in a bar by yourself! What possessed you to come out on your own?" He asked, his voice beginning to rise.

"My judgement is fine! I wasn't beaten over the head with a stick, I was raped! My head is still the same! This isn't any of your business! I can do what I want! I never wanted counselling, I can deal with this myself!" I shouted at him. By this time everyone in the bar was silent listening to what we were saying. Silence fell as everyone, including myself, took in what I'd said. Tears built up in my eyes as I lived through that night again in my head and I immediately turned and walked out the door, leaving Dr. Burton and everyone else looking after me in disbelief.

The streetlights gave the quiet roads an orange tinge as I walked quickly and quietly through them, hoping that I wouldn't meet anyone. I stopped for a moment to cover my shivering body with my coat which was still held in my arms. The sound of brisk steps behind me made me freeze to the spot with fear. My only movement was the quick inhaling and exhaling of the sharp night air. Not again, not again, I prayed to myself. My breath began to shudder with the grief pouring over me and the tears that I had wiped away while I made way through the streets were replaced by more. I felt the person coming closer and yet I couldn't move. So much for fight or flight, at that moment I was unable to do anything. I could feel him behind me, inches from me.

"Abi.."

Relief poured through me at the sound of his voice. I turned around to see the dark hair and brown eyes that I had seen once a week for the last three months and I had never been so happy to see him. My second emotion was rage. Why hadn't he called out to me to stop me from worrying? His smile was replaced by a look of misunderstanding as I began to thump him on the chest and the arms as I cried and shouted at him for scaring me.

"Hey! Hey, it's ok!" He said quietly as I continued to hit him. He placed a strong hand on each of my shoulders and held me away from him and looked at me with kind eyes. "You're ok. I won't hurt you."

I collapsed against him, crying into his chest and he put his arms around me awkwardly. "I'm sorry," I wailed over and over. He muttered into my ear and said that he would walk me home. I nodded and moved away from him, embarrassed by how vulnerable I had allowed myself to be. We walked in silence for a while and then we found ourselves looking down the alley. I froze at the top of it, looking from one place to another. I felt as if I could almost see him hiding there in the shadows again, I knew exactly the spot where it had happened, I looked down and imagined that the tire marks on the road were from the ambulance. Dr. Burton stopped and turned around when he noticed that I wasn't beside him. I saw it in his face when he realised where he was. I had never spoken about that night but he had read my case file so he knew the details.

"Abi, it's ok, there's no one down here. I'm here, I'll help you through this," he said gently. I nodded and took a deep gulp of air before slowly putting one foot in front of the other and making my way towards him, trying to stop myself from glancing nervously into the shadows and concentrating on nothing but my shoes. When I reached him, he put his arm around my waist and propelled me slowly through the dark alley. Fifteen minutes later we stood outside my house. It was an awkward moment, neither of us were sure how to say goodbye to eachother. I took a step forward and turned around to look at him, my back to the house.

"So.. Thanks, I guess," I said quietly.

"No problem," he answered, digging his hands deep into his pockets. "Goodnight."

"Night," I smiled. I turned around and walked towards the house. At the door I turned around and sawe him watching me from the path, making sure I got in ok. I waved goodbye to him and walked inside, shutting the door quickly. I went upstairs quietly, no one was home yet but I didn't want to disturb the peace. I flopped down on my bed and put my hands on my belly.

I knew I would have to start eating soon, I was beginning to get a swollen belly like the little children in Africa. I poked at it. It was relatively small and was out of place on my otherwise tiny abdomen. I'd gotten so skinny my period had stopped. I turned to the pint of water I had on the my bedside table and downed it in one.

I woke up gagging. I ran to the bathroom and threw up for fifteen minutes. I looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was stuck to my head with sweat and my face was ghostly white. I returned to bed, taking a bucket with me and wondering about my mystery illness. I flopped my hands down onto my belly in frustration. It was only then that it dawned on me: swollen belly, no period, morning sickness. I couldn't be pregnant. No, that would be too much for me to handle. I couldn't be, it wouldn't be fair. Not on me, not on the child. And yet, it made perfect sense. It's not like he had used protection, it's not like I was still a virgin...

I needed to know. I got up immediately, put my coat on and ran to the chemist, not caring that I was in pyjamas and slippers. I bought the pregnancy test and sprinted home again. I was home alone, but I still locked the bathroom door just in case I didn't hear someone come in. I took out the stick and sat in the toilet, sticking it in beneath the flow of urine. I kept it there until I was done, not knowing how much was needed. I took it out and sat, waiting nervously for three minutes, trying to look everywhere but at the stick in my hand. I began to pace back and forth, counting down the minutes in my mind. I counted to three and a half just to be safe. I looked at the stick and was filled with dismay at the sight of the tiny blue plus sign.

Sorry this has been late guys! It's kind of crap but whatever! Just to let everyone know that I'm changing my profile to private at the end of the week so if there's anyone who enjoys reading my stuff who isn't my friend, you're going to have to add me. Sorry if it's a hassle but I don't want my family to read all this stuff, it's so much easier to share with people who won't judghe me for it! Anywhoo! Comment/ buzz! Much love. xoxox

Music Quiz

Borrowed from Lakeisha!

- TO TAKE THIS SURVEY, SIMPLY PUT YOUR MUSIC PLAYER ON SHUFFLE -
- AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WITH THE TITLE OF THE SONG THAT COMES ON -
[it's better if you don't cheat and don't skip any songs.]

What's your name? Or what should it be?
By The Way- Red Hot Chilli Peppers

How is your life going?
Ur So Gay- Katy Perry

What's your nickname?
Summer Hair= Forever Young- The Academy Is... (long nickname!)

What is your theme song?
Honorable Mention- Fall Out Boy

What's your best friend's theme song?
San Diego Song- The Coronas

How is your life going to turn out?
Switchblades and Infidelity- Fall Out Boy (LOL)

Will you get married?
You Might Have Noticed- The Academy Is... (lol)

What will your job be?
Heart- Britney Spears (*is extrememly embarrassed that everyone knows my secret love for Britney*)

Did you/will you finish school?
Decision Time- The Coronas

Who's your best friend?
Oh My God- Kaiser Chiefs (yes I'm quite religious... XD)

Who is or will be your significant other?
Manifesto-Gabe Saporta - CitizensForOurBetterment (SCORE!!!!!)

Who do you like?
Listen- Beyonce

How will you die?
Lose Yourself- Eminem (so I'll get lost and die?)

How do you feel right now?
Naive- The Kooks (oh my God! What the hell? It's like the iPod knows....)

What's your favourite song?
40 Steps- The Academy Is... (well it's up there!)

How could you describe your parents?
Have You Ever- S Club (They used to be my favourite band! Don't make fun!)

Your best friends?
Our Lawyer Made Us Change This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued- Fall Out Boy (yes.. my lawyers..)

Your teachers?
Crowded Room- The Academy is...

Your significant other?
A Certain Romance- Arctic Monkeys

Yourself?
I Choose Love- The Coronas (yes I do!)

What's your best feature?
Skyway Avenue- We The Kings

What will you be/should be, profession wise?
Rock Your Body- Justin Timberlake (sounds about right... lol!)

How could you describe this survey?
My Boo- Usher

What makes you angry?
I'm Ok- Christina Aguilera (lol!)

What makes you sad?
Love Will Tear Us Apart (Cover)- Fall Out Boy (it's so true...)

What makes you happy?
Northern Downpour- Panic At The Disco (yay!)

What makes you dance?
Patience- Take That (not at all..)

What in your favourite colour?
Hot In Here- Nelly

How would you describe yourself?
The Man Who Can't Be Moved- The Script (haha well it's kind of true...)

Who is your worst enemy?
The Analyst- Delta Goodrem (damn that analyst!!)

Who do you hate?
America- Razorlight (omfg that's so fucking funny! just to be clear I don't hate America!)

Who do you love?
Same Blood- The Academy Is... (vampiric much?!)

Who do you lust after?
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)- Mika (LOL)

Finish the sentence

I wish
There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet- Panic At The Disco (well I don't wish it but I'm sure there is a good reason!)

I want to
Na Na Na Na Naa- Kaiser Chiefs (exactly!!)

I want to kill
Midnight Show- The Killers (must kill show... must kill show.. lol!)

I want to eat
Harajuku Girls- Gwen Stefani (ok...)

My head
Gotta Reason- Hard Fi

I am
Tear- Red Hot Chilli Peppers

My best feature is
Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?- Fall Out Boy

My eyes are
Clothes Off!- Gym Class Heroes

My hair is
All Of The Gin Joints In All The World- Fall Out Boy (yes it's made up of tiny alcoholics...)

My face is
Scummy- Arctic Monkeys (lol!!)

You should
We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands- The Academy Is...

Random

Words of advice
Stop And Stare- OneRepublic (ok...)

How do others see me?
Shine- Take That

How do I see myself?
Chelsea Dagger- The Fratellis

Put your music player on shuffle, the song titles are the answers

Your wedding song: Welcome To The Jungle- Guns'n'Roses (XD)

When your parents yell at you, they scream: Iris- Goo Goo Dolls (sure they do...)

The song that best describe you: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing- Jack Johnson (it's fairly freaking close!!)

The song that best describe your friends: Around The World- Red Hot Chilli Peppers (not really...)

When you're mad, you play: The Real Thing- Gwen Stefani (I do not!!)

The song that will be played at your funeral: Prostitution Is The World's Oldest Profession (And I Dear Madame Am A Professional- Cobra Starship (I can honestly imagine it!)

The song you'll sing along to in the shower: The Patron Saint Of Liars and Fakes- Fall Out Boy (well I have but not usually)

The song you listen to when you're happy: Coppertone- The Academy Is...

Fight Song: Stockholm Syndrome- Muse

How you feel when you see your crush: Everybody(Backstreet's Back)- Backstreet Boys (hardy har har!)

Song that describes your life: Fire Of Unknown Origin- Blue Oyster Cult (alrighty then...)

Song you'll sing at your graduation, or the song you should've sung: We Believe In Barack Obama- The Hush Sound (hell yes!)

Song that describes your pet: Untitled- Simple Plan (no... that's all wrong)

The song you mosh to: Ring Of Fire- Jonny Cash (oh yes, what a mosh song)

Song that describes when you and your friends are together: Accidentally In Love- Coutnign Crows (platonic love)

Song that you think of when you see your enemy: The Fourth Drink Instinct- Cute Is What We Aim For

Song you think of when you wake up in the morning: Lost- Michael Buble (not exactly, but it'll do!)

That was frickin hilarious!!!
Now you do it!!

My fans and friends.... I'M BACK!!!

Guys!

First and foremost I'm apologising to you guys. I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you, reading your updates or posting any of my own. The reason being that yesterday was the first day in two weeks that I was on Buzznet. So sorry! I'm trying my best to get back on top of things, that is read your new stuff, answer the notes that you guys probably forgot you dropped to me and post early and often! I used to be the girl who'd write and post two or three chapters a day and I'm trying to get back to that, well maybe not three a day but one a week at least.

I'm struggling with school work at the moment, the same as everyone else and that's part of the problem. As well as that this year in school has seen me become slightly more popular (oh my God how full of myself do I sound? Apologies!) and therefore, I have alot less time to post and keep up with what's going on in your lives. So that's that!

Now onto my news! You England gals listen up! In February me and my English class might be going to a production of King Lear in London. It'll be on a Saturday and we'll be leaving on the Sunday. We will be having spare time so if anyone's free that weekend (I'll let you know when it is) come and see me!! I'm super excited about it!

Now message me or a drop me a note with all your news in it!!!

I love you all,

Sarah

<333